My mother Passed

Discussion in 'The Bar' started by Murgatroy, Dec 12, 2017.

  1. Murgatroy

    Murgatroy Active Member

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    My mother passed. It was a stressed and estranged situation. I suppose what is bothering me more than anything is my lack of ability to grieve. I understand that the majority of humanity had parents that sought to protect and raise them, I was not a member of the majority. It has been several weeks, and I am not a vocal, or emotional person. I like the anonymity of the interwebs for that fact. Here I am who I am. Not who I pretend to be. In life I am a highly successful and put together cat. My wife has noticed a crack in the last few weeks. But she hasn't pressed the issue. I am good at what I do. I don't have many flaws. But I did not have the white picket fence my current self would lead others to believe. Even in my honesty.

    My mother died. I am the oldest of six. I was the only one there. I stepped up after failures and paid for and arranged everything. I have achieved my childhood dream of having my mother's body in my trunk. I don't know what do to after that fact beyond not doing something I will regret. I have written off the 'family farm.' I have written off my siblings.

    I would die before my heathen experienced the life that molded me. And that is possibly what grieves me the most. I am who I am for what I have experienced.

    I once wrote to Dear Prudence for advice, and she thankfully confirmed that what I have accomplished was me, no guilt. But I can't lie, I still feel guilt. I have a homeless sibling, two in jail/prison, a victim of the welfare system and a full blown alcoholic failure. Is it guilt I feel at being successful and accomplished?

    Think of the worst of the worst, and that was my life. My first suggestion for my mother's occupation on her death certificate was 'drug addict whore.' We settled on CNA after the realization that 'Homemaker' was just as much of an insult. After all, she did work as a CNA for a week or two.

    It is times like this that I wish that I could forget it all. I came up through the foster care system. Why do I care about the other life? Why does every bad decision in my life haunt me? Why does every good decision in my life bring into sharp contrast the bad decisions?

    I am not seeking sympathy. I am not seeking support. I don't know what I am seeking. I do know that I have to get this off my chest.

    I spent the weekend with my mother's last boyfriend, he would have been her fourth husband, but they never married. As such they lasted twenty years. He is a hell of man. My daughter calls him Papaw. He is proud my me. And I love him as my father. He knows this now. Of that I am proud. Of my heathen I am proud. Of my wife, I am proud. Of my house, cars, dogs, guns, and guitars I am proud.



    My name is Bob, I am from Tellico Plains Tennessee. I left there more than twenty years ago. Shelbyville Kentucky is where me and my family make home. i am part of the Shell/Jones clan. I will cut your throat and smile.
     
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  2. Old Guy

    Old Guy Active Member

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    Condolences out to you. Prayers are all I can offer. When my Mom passed over a decade ago, it took a while for me to understand my feelings. Men are not supposed to be the emotional ones, but we feel the pain just as much as the women do IMO.
     
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  3. WLJ

    WLJ Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear
     
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  4. mlh40324

    mlh40324 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for your loss.
     
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  5. Got-R-Did

    Got-R-Did Well-Known Member

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    An unenviable situation, I will light a candle for you. You have been blessed in ways you may not yet understand.
    Rev said something at one of the New Haven get-togethers that has stuck with me:
    "If He brings you to it, He will bring you through it".
    You have succeeded against nearly insurmountable odds, and yet maintained your humanity.
    I'd say take a bit of solace in that alone.
    I hope you find the answers you seek.
    Got-R-Did.
     
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  6. guncrank1

    guncrank1 Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for your loss
     
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  7. Rollerball

    Rollerball Member

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    I hope you find peace as the days progress. Maybe this is a new chapter in your life....
     
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  8. Murgatroy

    Murgatroy Active Member

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    Each day is a step back to where I was prior to this debacle. I had my 'shit in a pile' a month ago, and I hope to be back to normal in a few more days, if I am not already.

    It is hard sometimes to step outside of myself and realize where I am, and how I got here. It is kind of like the frog in the pot of boiling water that didn't realize it was getting that hot as it happened slowly. Except in complete reverse. My family is a pillar of the community and respected. Sometimes I forget where I came from and how I got here. In a good way. My overall goal is to make sure that my Heathen understands this life, and not the life I had as a child. So far, we have succeeded.
     
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  9. dannyr3_8

    dannyr3_8 Well-Known Member

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    don 't think i can say it much better than that. just gleening from what i read you seem to be a very intellegent well worded successful person i hope you find the peace you seek brother and my condolences
     

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